I can’t; I won’t; I must!

by on January 09, 2020

How many of you are ready to lose your life for Yeshua? This devotion will be hard to hear and many people don’t understand how we can rejoice in death but listen to this video and pray about that.

I can’t; I won’t; I must!

(#010 from Suffer Well Devotional Series©)


“He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39)

How do I die and yet hope Father? How do I give You everything: faith, family, freedom, career?

Am I to give You My wife Father? Can I still be living the abundant life You promised if she lies alone or becomes another’s? And what about my children, Father? Am I to believe they could live without my daily presence, as if fatherless, and still have joy? Or, could I still trust You if they were fathered by a stranger or wolf, out of my arm’s reach?

I am crying to You Father, from the deepest places, as I resist losing my life. I am begging for a move of Your hand. I don’t know how to lose my life. I can’t; I won’t; I… I love them. I love them with Your love, a love that never fails. They are my trace of goodness on earth. How can I let them go? How do I lose my life? How do I find my life? I don’t know how. I can’t; I won’t! Can You hear the depths of my despair as I cry out? It could demolish cities. All I am cries out. I can’t; I won’t; I… I must!

It is a desolate place. I am caught between the death that is necessary and the life You promise. I’m caught in the middle. “Grab the unknown,” my soul says. “Release, then grab.” My flesh holds tight to both sides. This feels like the death of the one thing I cannot bear. I can’t; I won’t; I… I must! This is my death. Faced with this now, either way I die. If I give into the flesh, I die. If I give into the Spirit, I die. Father, what will be left of me? Will I find my life?

The man I was is gone. You have found your little boy again Daddy. Abba, I beg for Your help. Help Daddy.

The Almighty is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

Note to our readers: At the time of this writing, Michael was in prison. At the time of this publication he still remains incarcerated. Pray for him.

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